2013 Lucky #13

This has been one of the strangest and hardest years of my life, it's only natural that I would try to translate it into words, hope you understand the meaning of the next lines... 

There's a reason why I don't like roller coasters, the feeling that comes from the brutal descent drives my body mad and I could never control it...I like things slow and exciting, you might say that's a contradiction in itself but I don't care, following an established set of rules is hardly the way. And this year was definitely a roller coaster. 

By early spring I felt like the king of the world, loved, stable and always annoyed by my parents as any other teen would be, my job was good and I even had a side project. That by now is just a foregone memory... 

Saying that the rug was pulled under my feet could be called an understatement, but that would be one in itself, it was more a feeling of having the reality pulled away from you and then being thrown into a new reality and told " deal with it!!" ... 

I tried, I swear I did... 

So instead of a year where I strived to enjoy the laurels of my achievements, we had to deal with a whirlwind of pain, missed opportunities and lost futures...still I'm not one to complain too much, and it’s in these moments that you find out just how strong you are, and through all my shortcomings and failures, or despite those, I've been able to stride forward, head up high and what's left of my smile still shining. ..I'm not going to lie...now it's 10x harder to be who I always was...but there's no reason why I shouldn't be that same person I've fought so hard to be. 

I can't just sit around and look at all I lost, not when I gained so much...yes I'm older, and I have a lot less patience...don't expect me to wait for you or to make an extra effort if you're not there...but I assure you that you will always have my attention to the fullest whenever I deem u worth it or when I see that you actually need it.

What was lost to me I will forever cherish in a way I could never grasp until now. ..no this is not something I just found out, it's more like a feeling that has grown, to such a size that I no longer miss it, because it's inside me, it's who I am. And I know I've grow to be someone who is not easy to understand, quite the contrary, but whenever you get to have the kind of understanding that I have about who You are, it turns you into a different kind of beast, I am proud of who I am, deal with it, or love me... 

Even so, all these losses will leave scars. Scars that are so deep that you will always know where they are no matter what, and the one that was cut into me the deepest (into us) will be always a reminder of our own mortality, I no longer doubt that as time goes by there will be more losses than my ability to find new persons to fill these holes...I've been an expert in doing that all my life. And of course, the more persons I care for, the more I will lose and miss, guess that would be a good reason to stop this need to create new relationships, if you think that, than you're not really aware of who I am...I don't fear this any longer...let me lose you, I will have taken to myself the better part of who you are and will keep it with me, a new habit, a new song something, thank you for that. 

I don't want this year to end on a sad note, what’s the point, really? So I need to thank all of you who in a way or another have helped me grow stronger, bolder and more ka0tic than ever, fears have been left behind =) and I have embraced the darkness into my lap with a smile, a twisted one, but a smile nevertheless. 

This year I was loved by so many in such different ways, nearly everyone who knows me made sure that I knew how special I can be, I know now that I am on a path that is closer to that which I drew to myself when I was a dreamer (a 15 year old dreamer) and that can only make me happy...this was the saddest year of my life, and I'm pretty sure it will be like that for a long time, but I guess it was also a show of how amazing life can be...of how, in the midst of such disasters, life can show us a way, if only we look past the pain and angst. 

Keep your head up high, don't dwell in the darkness unless you are strong enough to deal with it, and make sure you are always a beacon of light to the ones that surround you, they need you as much as you need them... 

I've made a few mistakes but I don't think they will haunt me; they were few and easy to mend...

Now I look forward to this new year that is about to start and hope I will have more good things to remember when 2014 ends, than the ones I managed to gain during this 2013. 

I don't want to mention anyone's name but thank You for helping me survive, thank you all for keeping me in the light, and thank you for not hating me even when I mess up... 

Now I need a break, couple of days away from everything and everyone...don't take me wrong if I don't reply to your contacts, I swear I will get back to you when I'm ready…it will not take long :)

The wrath of Celeste was not a issue in itself, the real trouble started with the reactions ppl would have to it

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Passear sozinho...sempre tive medo de estar sozinho, mas um medo diferente de todos os outros.

Principalmente, por saber q por trás desse medo esta a necessidade...

E ainda mais, a sensação de q me vou sentir preenchido, só qdo estiver sozinho, sem ninguém...

Eu...que faço amigos em todo o lado, desejo mais que tudo, ser desconhecido...

Aqui fica o relato de uma viagem, a primeira de muitas...I hope...

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

changing...Or not

Talking to ppl that knew me long ago, I get the feeling that I might've changed quite a bit in the last few years...

That's strange since I feel like I'm essencially the same idiot I've always been :)

Anyways...if I did change, hope it was for the better.

Who could tell?

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

following the road

Lost count of how many times i did this "road"...however i still walk it with pleasure, now it's a different kind of pleasure, that's for sure...

But still :) i always feel good when i find myself @ home and with friends :)

Even after the pain and the tears, there's nothing like this feeling.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

the Hardest 40 seconds of my life

just heard this amazing piece of pain... the hardest 40 seconds of my life! it's a bit like me...

He was caught by surprise, not because of he was there, but because he didn't notice he was going there...

However, being there he could not go back...he looked at the door and moved to go in...only to be greeted by a maze.

"How queer" he thought, not knowing which way to go...he chose the path that took him to the left, not noticing a hidden door a bit further, hidden in a corner with no light, further to the left...(continues)

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Sometimes i just feel

like screaming!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

What must be said - Was gesagt werden muss

By Günter Grass

P U L S E–”Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one”

Why have I kept silent, silent for too long
over what is openly played out
in war games at the end of which we
the survivors are at best footnotes.

It’s that claim of a right to first strike
against those who under a loudmouth’s thumb
are pushed into organized cheering—
a strike to snuff out the Iranian people
on suspicion that under his influence
an atom bomb’s being built.

But why do I forbid myself
to name that other land in which
for years—although kept secret—
a usable nuclear capability has grown
beyond all control, because
no scrutiny is allowed.

The universal silence around this fact,
under which my own silence lay,
I feel now as a heavy lie,
a strong constraint, which to dismiss
courts forceful punishment:
the verdict of “Antisemitism” is well known.

But now, when my own country,
guilty of primal and unequalled crimes
for which time and again it must be tasked—
once again, in pure commerce,
though with quick lips we declare it
reparations, wants to send
Israel yet another submarine—
one whose speciality is to deliver
warheads capable of ending all life
where the existence of even one
nuclear weapon remains unproven,
but where suspicion serves for proof—
now I say what must be said.

But why was I silent for so long?
Because I thought my origin,
marked with an ineradicable stain,
forbade mention of this fact
as definite truth about Israel, a country
to which I am and will remain attached.

Why is it only now I say,
in old age, with my last drop of ink,
that Israel’s nuclear power endangers
an already fragile world peace?
Because what by tomorrow might be
too late, must be spoken now,
and because we—as Germans, already
burdened enough—could become
enablers of a crime, foreseeable and therefore
not to be eradicated
with any of the usual excuses.

And admittedly: I’m silent no more
because I’ve had it with the West’s hypocrisy
—and one can hope that many others too
may free themselves from silence,
challenge the instigator of known danger
to abstain from violence,
and at the same time demand
a permanent and unrestrained control
of Israel’s atomic power
and Iranian nuclear plants
by an international authority
accepted by both governments.

Only thus can one give help
to Israelis and Palestinians—still more,
all the peoples, neighbour-enemies
living in this region occupied by madness
—and finally, to ourselves as well.

“Was gesagt werden muss” published in Süddeutschen Zeitung (4 April 2012)

translation by Michael Keefer and Nica Mintz of Günter Grass’s “Was gesagt werden muss”