I'm Twitting

    follow me on Twitter

    sexta-feira, dezembro 27, 2013

    2013 Lucky #13















    This has been one of the strangest and hardest years of my life, it's only natural that I would try to translate it into words, hope you understand the meaning of the next lines... 

    There's a reason why I don't like roller coasters, the feeling that comes from the brutal descent drives my body mad and I could never control it...I like things slow and exciting, you might say that's a contradiction in itself but I don't care, following an established set of rules is hardly the way. And this year was definitely a roller coaster. 

    By early spring I felt like the king of the world, loved, stable and always annoyed by my parents as any other teen would be, my job was good and I even had a side project. That by now is just a foregone memory... 

    Saying that the rug was pulled under my feet could be called an understatement, but that would be one in itself, it was more a feeling of having the reality pulled away from you and then being thrown into a new reality and told " deal with it!!" ... 

    I tried, I swear I did... 

    So instead of a year where I strived to enjoy the laurels of my achievements, we had to deal with a whirlwind of pain, missed opportunities and lost futures...still I'm not one to complain too much, and it’s in these moments that you find out just how strong you are, and through all my shortcomings and failures, or despite those, I've been able to stride forward, head up high and what's left of my smile still shining. ..I'm not going to lie...now it's 10x harder to be who I always was...but there's no reason why I shouldn't be that same person I've fought so hard to be. 

    I can't just sit around and look at all I lost, not when I gained so much...yes I'm older, and I have a lot less patience...don't expect me to wait for you or to make an extra effort if you're not there...but I assure you that you will always have my attention to the fullest whenever I deem u worth it or when I see that you actually need it.

    What was lost to me I will forever cherish in a way I could never grasp until now. ..no this is not something I just found out, it's more like a feeling that has grown, to such a size that I no longer miss it, because it's inside me, it's who I am. And I know I've grow to be someone who is not easy to understand, quite the contrary, but whenever you get to have the kind of understanding that I have about who You are, it turns you into a different kind of beast, I am proud of who I am, deal with it, or love me... 

    Even so, all these losses will leave scars. Scars that are so deep that you will always know where they are no matter what, and the one that was cut into me the deepest (into us) will be always a reminder of our own mortality, I no longer doubt that as time goes by there will be more losses than my ability to find new persons to fill these holes...I've been an expert in doing that all my life. And of course, the more persons I care for, the more I will lose and miss, guess that would be a good reason to stop this need to create new relationships, if you think that, than you're not really aware of who I am...I don't fear this any longer...let me lose you, I will have taken to myself the better part of who you are and will keep it with me, a new habit, a new song something, thank you for that. 

    I don't want this year to end on a sad note, what’s the point, really? So I need to thank all of you who in a way or another have helped me grow stronger, bolder and more ka0tic than ever, fears have been left behind =) and I have embraced the darkness into my lap with a smile, a twisted one, but a smile nevertheless. 

    This year I was loved by so many in such different ways, nearly everyone who knows me made sure that I knew how special I can be, I know now that I am on a path that is closer to that which I drew to myself when I was a dreamer (a 15 year old dreamer) and that can only make me happy...this was the saddest year of my life, and I'm pretty sure it will be like that for a long time, but I guess it was also a show of how amazing life can be...of how, in the midst of such disasters, life can show us a way, if only we look past the pain and angst. 

    Keep your head up high, don't dwell in the darkness unless you are strong enough to deal with it, and make sure you are always a beacon of light to the ones that surround you, they need you as much as you need them... 

    I've made a few mistakes but I don't think they will haunt me; they were few and easy to mend...

    Now I look forward to this new year that is about to start and hope I will have more good things to remember when 2014 ends, than the ones I managed to gain during this 2013. 

    I don't want to mention anyone's name but thank You for helping me survive, thank you all for keeping me in the light, and thank you for not hating me even when I mess up... 

    Now I need a break, couple of days away from everything and everyone...don't take me wrong if I don't reply to your contacts, I swear I will get back to you when I'm ready…it will not take long :)